Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Mole Autopsy

The man who lives behind us has a beautiful lawn. Nothing too fancy, but the grass is green, there doesn't seem to be any weeds, and he waters it daily with a sprinkler system. It's clear he cares about yard cleanliness. Come to find out, he more than cares. One day he approached our other neighbor with a plan to stop the moles.

Sidetrack here: moles are digging up all sorts of tracks in our neighborhood. My father-in-law tells me that moles can dig many miles in one night. Many, many miles. This angers our neighbor. Let's call him George. This angers George.

So George approaches my next door neighbor, Beckie, with a pair of gloves and pack of gum. He tells Beckie that he's done all sorts of research on moles, and that he's learned how to get rid of them. First you must buy a pack of Wrigley's original gum. Not spearmint. Not winterfresh, but ORIGINAL. Then, using the gloves, you unwrap a piece of gum, wad it up into a ball, and - still wearing the gloves (you must not touch the gum!) - you dig a hole in one of the mole's tracks and insert said-rolled-up-piece-of-Wrigley's (STILL WEARING THE GLOVES). Supposedly, the mole comes along, thinks the gum is a grub, chews it up, SUFFOCATES, and dies.

Now, to most of you out there, this might seem slightly strange, but to our friend George, this is all in a day's work. He tells Beckie that she should not overdo it (you don't want the moles to be wise to you), and she shouldn't put too many pieces of gum in the yard. However, he does explain that it must be Wrigley's original because it's the only kind and flavor that's chewy enough to suffocate the mole. Very important detail.

He also relates to Beckie that he knows this works because he planted one of these faux grubs in his yard and it successfully killed a mole. How would he know that? Because he dug the mole up. He went back to the scene of his own crime and dug up the suffocated mole to confirm that his Wrigley murder worked. My question - and I have yet to speak to this George - is this: did you perform a mole autopsy? Did you dig around in the mole's mouth? How in the world did you determine that your gum killed this mole? It gives me the willies just thinking about it... Ahhh, the life and times of those of us in the suburbs. We can't all be mole morticians.